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Day 3: we did not talk much – it felt like there was an unspoken mutual agreement to create some distance. We each got involved in our own activities, completing tasks, checking social media with earphones in so as not to disturb each other. I felt like I was biting my tongue a bit – an unwillingness to create conflict. I felt uncertain, not safe, disconnected almost.

Day 4: we “found ourselves” more connected, co-operating through household tasks and doing some yoga together! We did not discuss this or plan it, I put this connected, co-operation down to the warmer weather, and because we had both had a good night’s sleep and were in a better mood than yesterday!

Day 5: was different – we again “found ourselves” kitchen sinking (Esther Perel) and bickering over small things like whose turn it was to make the bed, take out the rubbish or make lunch, with much sighing and rolling of eyes. The news that my husband had been furloughed and would receive a reduced salary, our investments had suffered some losses and some unexpected bills did not ease the building pressure and tension. We got stuck in a meaningless attack-defense dance that just seemed to pull us down regardless of any intentions to respond differently. It was not a good day and of course we blamed each other, and the weather – it had been wet and windy most of the day!

Day 6: started badly of course – neither of us had slept well – our anxiety levels had escalated somehow overnight and before long we again “found ourselves” in a full-scale shouting match, accusations and threats flying between us – the four horsemen of the apocalypse (John Gottman) had been unleashed – criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stone-walling! How did we get here? It was as if overnight we had both gathered our own weapons of war, an arsenal of words and historical ammunition. I felt angry, trapped, alone, defeated and exhausted. We each retreated behind our walls and worked on our stories of hurt and blame. We could not speak, words just made it worse.

Day 7: we avoided each other, spoke little, kept a wide berth as if the 2m social distancing rule was applied to us even at home! We silently and diligently completed tasks as if competing for invisible parental approval! Again the weather was warmer and I certainly felt a little more hopeful, but not brave enough to reach out, and dialogue was not a safe option! It was during a walk alone, and a time of reflection that I became aware of a pattern – there was an ebb and flow of energy between us.  At first it was weird, confusing, a little sad maybe and then it dawned on me – this was our relationship at work. I have been aware for many years that there are three in our marriage – me, my husband, and our relationship. Each part has its own identity and power to affect the others. Our relationship – the space between us – is intelligent, has a set of unspoken rules and conditions that govern our interaction and affect the quality of that interaction. Sub-consciously we have co-created this space and now live with and in it. Sometimes this space between is unhappy, disconnected, distant, anxious and even destructive, sometimes it can be peaceful, quiet, contented and relaxed, and at others it is playful, animated, excited, energized and erotic. I was only just realising the reality of this now that I had the time to notice and reflect without trying to change, judge or resist. Looking back I became aware of the unconscious, unspoken co-creation of our relationship dance, sometimes there was a need for deep connection, other times a need for light, playfulness, even a need for high energy sparring showed up! I realised I attached the wrong assumptions and meanings to this relationship dance – I blamed my husband, lack of sleep or the weather when there was distance or antagonism, I blamed myself when I was critical and judgemental and became contemptuous of my imperfections! However when I started focusing on the relationship as a force of its own with the power to control both of us and pull us toward or away from each other depending on what “it” needed to stay homeostatic. It is as if our relationship has a life of its own, trained and nurtured by our own history, our ingrained and inherited reactive systems, and the internal and external pressures affecting the system.

I began to observe the ebb and flow of our relationship and instead of getting upset when the relationship nudged us towards distance, I embraced it and flowed with it. Instead of resisting the experience of distance, which would be my wont, along with stories and interpretations, I observed it, noticed it and welcomed it. At other times when I caught my husbands eye, brushed against his skin, noticed his bids of kindness (John Gottman) I smiled understanding this was our relationship moving us towards connection – gently, almost imperceptibly.